First Time Mother Diaries

i have this habit of swaying both ways. even when i know some people are not 'really' friends just because they are nice, they don't defend me in my absence, i still try to sway and blame myself. i have had very minimum self care and self esteem in the past decades. i have been chasing after being liked opposed to being respected. well i was liked. but that's high school. i was popular in high school for being funny which was one of the important attributes. school was both empowering and intimidating. there was a lot of bullying and looking down on by the new rich wanna be upper class parents. i had a sense of identity loss due to parents separation and ongoing battles, them also being detached from their own families for various reasons. dad was a nonconformist. the little me did not know why things were the way they were. i grew up and was able to fill the gaps. but school is gone now. i clearly knew thilanki was good but later she became this girl who wanted to keep...

my keyboard is broken and the caps are not working. i got hte baby to watch the pingui cartoon while takign time to type this because i feel very overwhelmed. i need help. i hated when steve completely delegated all the christmas cooking to me without taking the baby from me. he was supposed to help with the baby while i cook. and it is impossible to do anything else when you have a baby. he is too heavy for me to wrap arund. i need childcare. now i am trying that kenyan girl whom my cousin recommended so it would help a bit. i really hope the visa works. honestly this month was rather rough. two of my school friends fell out in our friendships. i dont even know why. thilanki blocked me while i ended up blocking rana. i got the feeling they talk about me. i want to listen to my gut. i need my parents back. that's it. i need their help. i can't do this alone. i am sick of this. fed up. i just cant.i cried a lot today. i miss my mother mainly because we were very close to her and...

I got a business idea over the weekend. I got so many ideas but the problem is there is no time to execute.

I quit the nanny. I am glad I did. It's too expensive. I am also considering applying for a life insurance rather than through the company. I want my $7000 month a pay check back.