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i have this habit of swaying both ways. even when i know some people are not 'really' friends just because they are nice, they don't defend me in my absence, i still try to sway and blame myself. i have had very minimum self care and self esteem in the past decades. i have been chasing after being liked opposed to being respected. well i was liked. but that's high school. i was popular in high school for being funny which was one of the important attributes. school was both empowering and intimidating. there was a lot of bullying and looking down on by the new rich wanna be upper class parents. i had a sense of identity loss due to parents separation and ongoing battles, them also being detached from their own families for various reasons. dad was a nonconformist. the little me did not know why things were the way they were. i grew up and was able to fill the gaps. but school is gone now. i clearly knew thilanki was good but later she became this girl who wanted to keep...