christmas eve

my keyboard is broken and the caps are not working. i got hte baby to watch the pingui cartoon while takign time to type this because i feel very overwhelmed. i need help. i hated when steve completely delegated all the christmas cooking to me without taking the baby from me. he was supposed to help with the baby while i cook. and it is impossible to do anything else when you have a baby. he is too heavy for me to wrap arund. i need childcare. now i am trying that kenyan girl whom my cousin recommended so it would help a bit. i really hope the visa works. honestly this month was rather rough. two of my school friends fell out in our friendships. i dont even know why. thilanki blocked me while i ended up blocking rana. i got the feeling they talk about me. i want to listen to my gut. i need my parents back. that's it. i need their help. i can't do this alone. i am sick of this. fed up. i just cant.i cried a lot today. i miss my mother mainly because we were very close to her and she was very hands on while my father was very much involved in making money for the family. i hate how things turned out in my family. i just can't do this alone. i hate everyone right now. i hate rana and thilanki for talking behind my back. i need to let those friendships go and be happy that those are over. because they were never genuine friends. feeling sympathy and helping is different from being a friend. thilanki has this trauma response where she helps people but never gets close to them. then hasanthi had empathy but it was also more like a power thing. i mean it's been decades. my therapist was right. people change a lot. they probably still perceive me based on how i was in school. it's changed now. have to let go. i felt like giving up today. i just couldn't do it. i hated how steve didn't help me and just slammed the door and yelled at me. i am thinking my last resort is to get that indian girl here in exchange for a few hours of child care. i also feel angry at my misjudgement in people. it randomly crossed my mind how joe never wished me back when i wished him for christmas last year. and this year he watns to send christmas cards and i fully supported that. i should not have because when he was in a position of power he did not treat me right. actually my current boss is amazing and he really cares about people. i should be supporting him rather than joe. blogging is very helpful. it gives a lot of clarity. so i blocked sadaya too. feel happy i did. i don't want anything to do with my old school clique if they are not genuine and are talking behind my back. they want to keep tabs and not because they genuinely care. right now my emotions are volatile. i am so angry. i feel abused. steve yelled at me and i feel torn apart. he did not help me. i don't even know if i am feeling like this due ot my hormones. i miss my mother so bad. it's not easy at all. when i need her the most she is not here. like my mother was a big part of my life. it's not like thilanki's or anything. i looked up to my mother while in thilankis' case, her mother took a secondary role and thilanki was more like the leader of her family. my mother was our leader. she knew stuff. probably because of her education and the fact that she was much more exposed to the world. that's part of the reason why i want to work because it builds your confidence and leadership. i hate sri lanka. i hate sri lankans. i am sick of them. all they do is talk behind each others back. anyway i need to go to the bank now to withdraw money