First Time Mother Diaries

I know yesterday could have been a day my parents would have been very proud of. I accomplished a lot. I moderated a panel session among experts for the first time. instead i came home to a yelling angry husband who was calling me stupid etc. because 1. i lost my phone in uber 2. i hired a nanny who did not perform the duties as assigned. these two variables are beyond my control. there are 100 ways things can go wrong. nothing is 100% controllable. it was scary how he was yelling and i realized the more i talk, the worse it gets. i decided to stay silent. it's almost like unrecognizable who i married or decided to live my life with. it was scary. i thought he would hit me but he did not. for a moment i realized alonna could have been right. she constantly called him abusive. i never thought he was. i am still not sure. i celebrated my own moment. i pictured my parents being so happy and proud of me. i enjoyed seeing them so proud of me and what i have become. they are the reason i...

the last week was very tough. i had guests here. have a bootcamp going on. dropped the baby on the flooor where his head hit against the floor 9my fault.i was channging his diaper out of the anger against steve and did not care to or was too tired to take the extra safety measures.i have come to the realization that i cant do it all without support. suddenly steve withdraws support whenever he is disappointed with me. that drains me a lot. i can't do it anymore. when i tell others how much i am working, they are shocked,. i came in second degree tears and did all the housework at home while having a baby. doctor stepped in and said she wants steve to help and he did. i think it s his upbringing. he has never seen a happy home. he has not had one. we had one with my ammi. he has not. he has never seen his father treating his mother well. lot of generational trauma to unpack. and added to that american culture is inherently selfish and impatient. that's what the monk said. yester...