update

the last week was very tough. i had guests here. have a bootcamp going on. dropped the baby on the flooor where his head hit against the floor 9my fault.i was channging his diaper out of the anger against steve and did not care to or was too tired to take the extra safety measures.i have come to the realization that i cant do it all without support. suddenly steve withdraws support whenever he is disappointed with me. that drains me a lot. i can't do it anymore. when i tell others how much i am working, they are shocked,. i came in second degree tears and did all the housework at home while having a baby. doctor stepped in and said she wants steve to help and he did. i think it s his upbringing. he has never seen a happy home. he has not had one. we had one with my ammi. he has not. he has never seen his father treating his mother well. lot of generational trauma to unpack. and added to that american culture is inherently selfish and impatient. that's what the monk said. yesterday i was fully decided on doing all this alone and refusing steve's help for life. was seriiously decided. i didn't want him anymore. all i wanted was to get a good job. then i was gonna get a nnany and figure out from there. i think at this point we should sign our lease just to secure our apartment for another year because anyway i can't afford rent of $6000 at teh moment and condos require that. i was making $8000 a month in 2022 and regret losing that job. it was nice and a fancy startup. i am thinking of getting back into a startup so that i can make money and have my own autonomy. i can go to office twice a day and planning on getting back home by 12 pm or so. since i have two good nannies now ( ikuyo and jenifer) i am fine now. i have realized the importance of hiring mothers rather than just girls.and to focus on their ualities such as the loving kindness than other traits. nothing matters. experience education credentials noting matter. when we had nannies what i realized was that kind nannies are the best. we had so many nannies honestly. also i decided this week never to host again . i was that girl who loved hosting until i realized it's a pain. marcus's wife was just too much gettin ginvolved in the household etc. i didn't like it. also speaking to my nanny ec. u have to be respectful when u are at someone's house and her mannerism was horrible. definitely not what i liked to have and felt relaxed in. anyway about steve, i didn't wan tto speak to steve ever again. then he decided to go to the temple, book a uber by himself. knowing how much he is unwilling to spend, it was good to see he was willing to spend a lot to fix the relationship. i was willing to give him a chance. i feel like right now at this poitn i am staying with him because i want the baby to have a dad. never knew i will come to this point in life. i have seen other women doing it and never thought i will be one. but justbecaue steve is nice again does not mean he will be like this for the rest of our lives. again the fire is going to get ignited. i might as well find a nanny for support. i am also starting to hate my job. the politics, no projects and so on. i can't do this anymore. i want to either switch teams or switch companies. i am ready for a change.