First Time Mother Diaries

in another world, i will have my mum, my dad, and my brother, healthy, educated, successful, reserved and strong. In another world, none of these things may have happened. In another world, I would have lived in Sri Lanka. Wouold never had the need to move abroad , go through all these struggles and start over. Growing up since a child, I always had this vision where my family had a fancy Jeep and we were all in it, driving around Kandy town. In another world, my father would never have dropped my mother off at grandma's. What happened between mum and dad was a power struggle. Men don't think with emotions. They think with logic or whatever. Men will do whatever it takes to have power. Even if it costs the happiness and health of children, men will stick to their decisions. Just like today when I said i WON'T take the baby even if he cries so mcuh wanting to nurse if it's beyond my schedule, steve was fine with it. because he wants to have a schedule. you see, i have to...

I have therapy tomorrow. Can't wait. I have been thinking about brother a lot too. I still can't imagine what happened to him. like how? how can that happen to anyone? especailly to my brother who was set up for success by my parents? I mean not entirely, he was a target of parental neglect, especially by my father. During those 5 years, we were separated from my mum, we were subject to horrendous abuse by servants and my father both. Father's intentions were love but the servants were evil. I resorted to an isolated life. We hardly spoke about what we were facing at home. I slightly remember servants hiding our pencils so that we can't go to class to learn. Also them stealing, hitting, punishing and so on. Why would someone do that? I like blogging because America is a very private place. I feel embarrassed of outpouring these experiences to a mum group in a public chat. I don't want to do that again. Tht'S WHY most people stay quiet in that chat and suffer in ...

Ammi, I am starting to see that in motherhood, navigating the relationship with the husband is a tough part. I know you failed in it so not going to ask for any tips on it. Steve went outside for a walk with the baby and the tenant, Angel. I kept thiniking should I be worried? Be jealous? Is he cheating on me? Then I realized, let it be. Like honestly it's his life. I can't control it. Even if he cheats, he is not a bad man. He does have so many issues. That's the thing about dating a white man. Like they have so many issues, mainly caused by their families due to lack of love and attention given. I am raising our baby to be different. I give him so much love and attention. He is always with me. Even on the days I go to work, I come back early to attend to him. The best part in my life is our baby. He changed my entire world. I often wondered how you may have felt when you had aiya after trying so hard to conceive. Well now he is in rehab. His life is almost destroyed. I am...

I have a lot of anxiety regarding the meeting I am going to have with my boss. It's at 9 a.m. meaning it's an important meeting and my boss's boss is copied. Coming from an Asian culture, these are very important things and I get a lot of anxiety. In Asia, getting fired from a job is a big deal. It happens to the worst people. In reality politics play a huge role in these jobs and it's not just about work performance. Finding a job honestly has been a challenge. I wished Amazon worked out but it didn't. And i didn't even try Google because the effort does not judtify the results. Unless I put in 6 months of work into it, I am not going to try Big Tech. I am trying to figure out what fits me right now. If I can work remotely from MN and just chill, that would be a better option too but it's also a very isolating place. I don't have friends there and the cousins I have there are very American, detached. They are not the type to associate people just becaus...

Coming here to write about hte day has been very helpful. I miss my mum everyday.I envision how much she would have helped me today. You know what, when she died what I missed the most was not her help but just having her there. Even when she couldn't do anything at all, or couldn't even move, having her there gave me so much strength to go out there and to slay the dragons that were trying to destroy us/me. Life has always been one of those back then, where I go outside and fight. Constant warfare. Fight for survival, fight to get things done, fight to protect myself, fight to protect the people I love, properties of my parents and so on. Now it's different. Life is slow. As in, it's not less busy because now I am still busy but right now it's just about getting things done and there is no fear of dying from hunger or homelessness, at least for now. It's more about paying the rent, making sure the baby is fed and so on. Having Steve is an enormous stregnth. I d...

I decided i will come back to this place and start writing. It's been goddamn 20 + years of writing a blog. Started in lonely hostel/boarding rooms, during Christmas holidays writing in pieces of paper my overwhelming thoughts becasue i DID NOT have a laptop. It's been 20 + years and now i am in my mANHATTAN apartment, writing this blog on a Macbook lol Funny how life chnages. Well never thought i WILL get this far to be honest because at first it was all about survival but i have just made it to the heights I thought i NEVER could, with no support literally. bUT i had friends and some relatives who helped me but until 2012, it was hard ginding like a bull. Honestly. Friends are as young as you and they can't really do much. I keep thinking what happened to aiya. what went wrong where and probably nenda is right, its all genetics becasuae aiya is very much like piyal bappa - his thinking, His lifestyle and him not wanting to work hard for anything really. With aiya, he want...