First Time Mother Diaries

i AM already dreading how things would be when i start working. Technically I can't afford to stay home and take the full 3 month maternity leave because I don't want to be subject to only reduced pay. I only receive 67% of my paycheck meaning would be less than $5000. Currently I pay the FULL RENT ($3500), 99% of baby supplies, baby's medical expenses because I am still not sure if my insurance will cover him and I also pay for all the grocery which is another $4500-$450 a month. I also help my brother. I wish Steve works hard to find a well paying job in NYC and bear at least 50% of the expenses. I am tired of him not trying. He is always unenthusiastic about life and cynical. He knows it's not good but he does not come out of it. Very negative about life. It's sad. His mother caused him a lot of trauma. Another reason I still stick to Steve is because he was there for me when no one else did. I never had to pay rent at his place and it was a beautiful safe haven ...

Today I took time to clean the house. I have to stop troubling my uncle. He is dealing with a lot of things himself. Of course he is like a father. I wish I had my parents but at some point you have to move on. You are never going to have get them in other people. And what am I giving my uncle in return for his love and kindness? Nothing. I have already burned bridges. There is no going back. Have to move on. My mental health is going bad a bit. I am feeling disgusted in myself. I love cosleepign with the baby but I am so scared after hearing about SID. I am also a heavy sleeper. I cant count in myself to be aware while I am sleeping. I think the crib is the safest for the baby. Once he passed a year, I am going to take him to the bed. He is the sweetest thing in this planet. I love him so much. I am happy to be helping my brother in a way. I was walking today and saw homeless people on the road, addicted to drugs and sleeping like animals, with less clothing in them. I realized that t...

It's been almost 1 month since the baby was born. My baby. I love him a lot. I am sick of Steve controlling small things and things that are not in his scope. I want tobe a mum, in my own way, go through the learning in my own way, relaxed and happy. He is contsantly monitoring,getting mad every time the baby cries and I am sick of it. Babies cry. And my uncles said it's good for them to cry because it helps clear their lungs etc. I also think letting nature take its course is good for the growth of the baby. That's why I love skin to skin (as Americans call it) and breastfeed all the time while also hugging him and sleep with him in the same bed at night. What sucks is that Americans have this stupid SID so I can't cosleep with MY OWN CHILD! What the hell is this. How do I bond with my baby when I let him sleep in a freaking bassinet? I am so sick of this. Inoka akki and everyon else slept with the babies in their beds and none of htem died. The number 1 cause of infan...

I think it's possible that i am depressed. I cried a lot these two days. I missed my mother to the core. I also regret deeply about getting close to Soniya and trusting that she meant what she said because she didn't. I am exhausted of people. Exhausted treating them well and putting myself second and ultimately getting treated like shit. She ghosted me when I asked her to come and help. Also ghosted me when I asked her a question to tell Steve that she would not have worked for free even though she says she would. Like screw it seriously. I need to start making mum friends here in Manhattan. Need a stroller to go to that upper west side club. Steve would not buy. I need to somehow push thorugh and study CISSP and get through it. Today I finished up all the AVPT recording work. I am happy also finished staudying the DR chapter of the CISSP book. I am left with 3 chapters adn have to push through. My target is to finish 1-2 chapters a day but trust me it's so hard. Baby cri...

Becoming a mother is the most empowering experience I have ever experienced in my life. Given the American society looks down on mums, deep down, it had forced me to be ashamed of myself and not to be so open because I will not even get a job when they know I am a mum. I keep it a secret for that reason but every time I speak to my uncle he reminds me what an honorable position it is to become a mother. That's the thing about Sri Lanka. Family is everything there. Motherhood is the most honorable expereince and widows , childless women are often viewed negatively. Even though I don't agree with extreme views because people have their own reasons, I like how our culture highlights on things that matter - living a life with meaning. Would I have felt if I built a company and took it IPO? Of courses yes. Do I feel happier having a kid? Hell yes. Do I want to do both? Yes.