First Time Mother Diaries

So I rescheduled the exam because I can't have a babysitter alone at the house while Steve goes to Mua Thai. Steve said he wont facilitate for me to do the exam. He will only help with the deposition coming up. I postponed the exam by a week. It's ok. I get more time to prepare. Not that it matters. But I want Steve to be at home when the babysitter is here. I am terrified or something bad happening to the baby. I don't trust anyone else with the baby except Steve. I need to do this exam and be done with it. Hvae been preparing for it since last year. Like so tired. Wanna finish it off. I wish SSteve helps but he is mad I am deprioritizing the baby :( I have anxiety issues growing up alone. I am so scared of losing it all and being with a baby alone with no money. I am so scared of everyone around me dying and just being left alone with no help or support. Thats why I am doing this exam. I have faced death twice in my life now. I work like hell because I am so scared of fai...

Fort Jackson is due today and I havE TO wrap up that project. I am glad to have the sitter helping me today. I want to offer her part time work but Steve is nagging due to hte cost so I can't. Maybe when Steve is out, i will hire her. She is professional and is doing well so far so I will rehire her most likely. THe thing about Soniya or anyone for that matter is that I was too close with them. I get too close to people and that's out of loneliness rather than by choice. I have always been so lonely since my mother's passing. It's a terrible experience so I get close to anyone so fast. i have to resist that urge since it has not yielded a positive outcome so far. Always have to tell myself they are the cleaner and maintain that distance. I learned the hard way. With Soniya for example, I hired to be a cleaner and not a friend. Since I tried to make a friend out of her it didn't work. She was not willign to help. for her o will always been seen a resource

I have been dying to write the blog entry today but unfortunately baby has been crying on and off that I hardly had time to write. So I received discovery from AvePoint. In fact my attorney shared only a selected few. I am also getting second thoughts if they have bought out my attorney because she seems less aggressive now and more cooperative towards them. Well I can always appeal the case if I fail. Needless to say I have tons of evidence of AvePoint violating compliance and laws. And Chris being the main point of those, it's essenntial. He was always careful not to leave a paper trail. The fact that he still has not left the organization but Tim had, says a lot. I wonder what happened. I bet James is still there. One thing i learned from AvePoint is to SPEAK even if your voice shakes. Speak up or leave but never tolerate. At Burns, it's just an employer to me. I have my passion projects outside, hobbies etc. I really want to take this case public and use it to elevate my ca...

I miss my mother a lot. She would have been very loving, caring and kind. Would have helped us a lot in this whole new born baby situation. I know my baby would have loved her and she would have loved the baby like hell. She loves sons a lot. Life. Everything happens for a reason. I lost my parents so that I would know how strong I am. God wanted me to know HOW strong I am (even though I dont believe in christianity). Whatever that's out there wanted to test me and I SURVIVED. Maybe people like me are not meant to have kids. It was not in my plan as such even though I loved it. It felt like I will never marry but then I did marry. Steve said he has depression. Due to my anxiety, occassionally I try psychic readings and horoscope checking. Two psychics said I will relocate due to work and that is giving me even more anxiety now. Some of their readings are of course not accurate. They said I will get promoted at Justworks and they also said I will get promoted at AvePoint. Instead I ...

I went to the Central Park today with the baby. It was very refreshing. I realized how positive life could be.Steve is a very negative person. It's unhealthy. Whether it's the family life,, career or general day today things, he is very negative. It's exhausting. He mostly sees negative things. The motherhood is so beautiful. I wish I could enjoy it but with him, it's almost impossible. He is overly critical and negative about family life in general. Its so convenient for him to scold me over everything. He got an ear issue and apprantly it's my fault because i couldn't comfort the baby and he kept crying early morning for over 10 mins. SERIOUSLY? Babies cry all the time. I can see September becoming chaotic already. I think I am gonna get someone out of the caregiver app every Monday or so to help while working. Steve will be at work anyway and he can't monitor that. I mean, I need to get through work and baby. I asked Steve if I can give up on the job. It...