Blog entry

So last week I had a meltdown. It's to do with the sudden settlement agreement which did not have any protective clauses in favor of me. I felt being played out, devalued and on top of that Steve was scolding me nonstop. I regret involving him too much in my life. He is a man who never takes a risk, comfortable in his own status quo and does not have enthusiasm for life. I am different. For once I wanted to take a stand, have a voice which I did. For decades I have been a victim of excessive jealousy in corporate, harassment, discrimination and so on. This arose every time I worked for someone less competent, qualified or experienced than me. So now I have learned to avoid such workplaces by doing due diligence. When I decided to stand up for myself I did not have a baby, nor was I married. I went for it. Now things have changed. If it's now, I would not have taken the risk. When you have a baby you can't take ANY risk. It's daunting. So last nigth I decided not to speak to Steve for a week, this is to protect my own mental health. His excessice criticism is not helping me and makes me suicidal, in fact on Friday I felt so. I pictured myself being dead. I had to go to the kitchen etc. to get work done and got a call from Inoka akki. So just got back to writing. I feel better after speaking with Inoka akki. She lifts me up always. Lucky to have her. My uncle and Inoka akki had been the closest people during this pregnancy journey. I feel empowered to have a baby, to take care him. It's the most empowering experience in life. Giving life. Nothing else empowers women more than giving birth. There will be different schools of thought like why reproduce etc. but someone goes thorugh it feels it. It's like you are capable of this most amazing thing called giving life, nurturing life. what else is more empowering than that? That's not something a man can do, nor LGBT can do at the moment. Science can't still chnage it. And even to freeze eggs , go through IVF you have to pay so much. And here every woman has a gift of giving birth unless something hereditary prevents you from it. It's amazing. I want to pass CISSP because I can get an elevator apartment. Steve is the most uninspired, unambitious, undriven person I have ever met. There is no hope in expecting comfort from him. He is never goign to work hard and get a job at a BIG 4. This is it for him. He is happy and that's all. I need to do well so the baby and I can have a nice life. I will dedicate most of the day today for CISSP. I also decided not to speak with Steve so that it makes me feel better.