First Time Mother Diaries

A lot happens in a day. Settlement agreement a lawyer stating the amendments can't be done when my entire purpose of challenging termination was to get it classified as an unfair dismissal which is the case, then missin gthe office halloween party, missing the mum outing, completing two deliverables out of 3 at work, interviewing a nanny whom I hardly trust despite Anna's good reference because I clearly feel she is using me for her H1b application rather than trying to help us out, a lot can happen a day. Part of me says to sign the settlement agreement because I just want to be done with it. My lawyer sucks because she should have reviewed with me before drafting the agreement. If I am going for the trial, I am going to hire a more senior lawyer anyway. It's a good learning. Right now what's important - career, baby, family, financial stability and immigration. What's not important anymore is AvePoint. But will it be relevant in 20 years of time? The company might...

So last week I had a meltdown. It's to do with the sudden settlement agreement which did not have any protective clauses in favor of me. I felt being played out, devalued and on top of that Steve was scolding me nonstop. I regret involving him too much in my life. He is a man who never takes a risk, comfortable in his own status quo and does not have enthusiasm for life. I am different. For once I wanted to take a stand, have a voice which I did. For decades I have been a victim of excessive jealousy in corporate, harassment, discrimination and so on. This arose every time I worked for someone less competent, qualified or experienced than me. So now I have learned to avoid such workplaces by doing due diligence. When I decided to stand up for myself I did not have a baby, nor was I married. I went for it. Now things have changed. If it's now, I would not have taken the risk. When you have a baby you can't take ANY risk. It's daunting. So last nigth I decided not to spe...

I feel very alone today. In life. No one stands up for me. No one supports me. I am alone in life. No one supports me to do the exam. No one supports me to stand up for myself in an unfair dismissal lawsuit when I have worked my ass off and the company dismissed me for speaking up against their illegal activity. I can't afford lawyers. I don't have energy to fight since I have a baby. I don't have anyone to help me. Steve thinks this is to do with ego. I keep explaining it's not. It's to do with my immigration and my potential future employment. I need to start distancing the babysitter again. She takes my good for granted and not trying to do her best work. That's the thing about people. THe moment you are friendly, they walk all over you. I have learned it in my journey and now I maintain an indifferent demeanour. I have not been able to get any work done today. The settlement agreement in the morning threw me off. None of the terms are in my favor. It's ...

I get very lonely when Steve leaves town. On a positive note, that's a time for me to reconnect with myself, what I like , my interests and my time. I am thinking of going to the salon on Sunday but with the baby it's going to be a bit hard. They wash the hair and I am picuturing myself wearing the baby and him crying. :( I can't I finally got the baby to sleep today like an hour ago and feeling so relieved. I hope he sleeps for the rest of the night. I have to feed him though. I also need to pump. Not sure how I can pump when he will start crying as soon as he wakes up agaiin. What he needs now is attention. He is growing up fast. He is not going to sleep after eating and having the diaper changed. It's a lot more. I love Steve. He is a very sensitive guy and a good man. Of course it's not easy wiht him at times and he has a quick temper, easily gets irritated etc. but he is honest for the most part and I like him. He never wants to hurt people. He is a good man. I...

We are all broken adults, trying to live a fantasy maybe or some dream we yearned for. Today is my birthday and I am not doing anything. It's like those days I was at the hostel alone dreaming of a day I will have a family again to celebrate birthdays. Now that I have a family it's still like the days I spent at the hostel. I miss those birthday celebratiosn we did with my mum. My brother today got so excited when I said we are going on a family trip.But we aren't. What's missing is that Steve is not excited about celebrations. We talked about it. He has been depressed for a year or so. It is affecting me as well. I told him that frankly and now he is so upset by it. He said many women told him the same. He said he can't be with me anymore and he is done with me. I am too exhausted to even cry or be sad about it. I need to focus on getting things done. I was just trying to be honest with him so that he will try to be positive but rather he became defensive and star...

Having a baby changes many things. The existing relationships turn upside down as priorities change. It's 1 p.m. on a Thursday. I have finally managed to calm down the baby. I am also mad that Steve does not have the capacity and the willingness to help with teh baby. By nature he is an impatient person. I am not happy that he gets mad at the baby and also easily gives up on the baby. If something happens to me, all the money should go to the baby and to him. I am afraid he will give up on the baby like his selfish dad. I literally can't afford to die. There is also a law that if the money exceeds $10,000, it cannot be given to the minor. Anyway will see.Apart from that Steve is great. It's not always easy, now that the relationship dynamics have changed but we somehow work through and that is what matters. I am also learning new ways to calm down the baby and work with him. I should have followed my method initially without letting Steve try save money. My method would hav...